


Fog

by lilyxxxooo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009!phan, 2012, 2012!Phan, 2020, 2020!Phan, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, BoyxBoy, Cute, Fluff, Getting Together, Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, danandphil - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24091591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyxxxooo/pseuds/lilyxxxooo
Summary: 2009!Phan, 2012!Phan, sometime in between and 2020!PhanDan is on his way to Manchester, without a plan. Does he make a move and risk his newfound friendship, or act dumb and pretend he's content?A few years later, and Dan is wondering why things were left unspoken all those years ago.Based off "Fog" By the RegrettesWarnings; swearing, food mentions, mentions of sex(not a lot)
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 17





	Fog

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you're all well. Have another fic that no one asked for! lol  
> Also, follow my tumblr @dramaticlester

|| There were lots of reasons why I couldn't have you

There were lots of things I knew I shouldn't do

Like touch your arm, laugh too hard or look into your eyes

There were lots of thoughts that circled in my head

I wanted every detail so I done and said

Nice to meet you, I'm so happy meetin' you

Why you didn't know ||

2009

Phil (to Dan)

I can't wait for you to get here! I've been pacing back and forth in this train station for, like, two hours XD

Dan felt his heart flutter in his chest, closing his eyes momentarily so he didn't scream on the train.

Dan (to Phil)

I'll see you soon

Dan put his phone down on the table and turned to look out of the window; the trees going by too fast for him to feel calm. He felt sick to his stomach, the nerves dancing within him were taunting. He was on the way to meet his first, and only, friend Phil Lester. Dan had decided to message him one day, not expecting a reply, but was pleasantly surprised to get one. From then on, it just escalated. He felt understood with Phil, he felt needed and important. He wasn't ready to mess up his first friendship though, so he never said anything. He kind of just, smiled whilst Phil told him stories over Skype, pretending that he wasn't thinking about the burning in his chest whilst he watched his lips move.

Now though, Dan was nearing Piccadilly station, and Phil had been waiting there for him for two hours. Two hours! Dan supposed it was nice to know they were as nervous as each other, but Dan wouldn't even be able to sit in the station and ground himself before he would be with Phil. He sipped at his luke-warm coffee, grimacing at the sickly sweet vanilla flavouring in there. Perhaps he would pass on that next time.

***********

After around another hour and a half on the train, it halted to a stop, screeching along the rails. Dan breathed out slowly, taking his time to collect all of his things. He put his bag on his back and stepped off the train. It was busy in the station, Dan was pretty tall, though, and could see over the majority of people's heads. He hovered around the platform until he spotted who he was looking for. He was nervous, sure, but he felt himself moving. Embarrassingly quickly.

When he reached Phil, he stopped in front of him. Dan felt almost intimidated by Phil's strong, searching gaze. It was soft, maybe uncertain. Dan felt himself melt under it. He felt propelled forward by their magnetism. He wanted to step closer and look deeper, uncover things about Phil that could only be uncovered by a person's eyes. Hidden pains, real impressions...love.

"Dan," Phil breathed. He moved forward to touch Dan's arm. The simple touch had Dan quivering, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. The feeling was addictive, Dan wanted nothing more than to beg for it. Just from the touch of his arm. Dan was pulled into a hug, and he had never known what it meant to be properly grounded on the earth until he felt those arms close around him. Since Phil was taller, Dan's face was buried in his chest. He could breathe in the scent of Phil, feel his broad arms squeeze him even tighter. When they pulled away, it felt like Phil was the one keeping him there right in that second. Every breath, every glance, was just Phil. He would happily drop everything, if it meant he could have him. He was determined to push that away though. Instead, he let the unavoidable blush settle on his cheek and smiled a dimpled grin.

"Nice to meet you, Phil," Dan said. "I'm happy about...meeting you."

Dan was sure he was red hot to touch, cringing at himself. Why couldn't he just be normal? Dan held back a groan as he saw Phil's lips twitch at the corners. Bless him, he tried so hard not to laugh and save Dan the embarrassment.

But he couldn't help himself. Phil giggled, his tongue poking out of his mouth. He pulled Dan into another hug, still laughing, "I'm happy meeting you, too."

|| And I can't help but think of it lately

When you say my name I start to feel crazy

I can't help but wonder how we got here

I look at you, fog starts to clear

Whoa, I wanna hear you say my name

Whoa, wanna hear you say my name ||

Dan had been in Manchester for around 2 hours and had blushed approximately 20 times. When Phil held his gaze for longer than 5 seconds, or skimmed his fingers over the back of Dan's hand accidentally, or offered to pay for their coffee's (without vanilla flavouring this time.) It was as if he was in some kind of dream but, at the same time, everything felt too real. Every time Phil said his name, Dan had to hide a smile behind his coffee cup. Because never had he liked the sound of his name. The way it rolled off Phil's tongue so easily, the way he formed the word around his Northern accent, really did something to him. He felt so comfortable in Phil's presence, he was sometimes tempted to just touch. Reach out a finger and poke his lip or nose. Phil would sometimes place his hand on Dan's thigh when he was laughing, or swatting at him playfully if he said something. Dan felt insane. He had never felt anything, for anyone. He was some kind of broken shell before he met Phil. People could see in, but no one wanted him. They just broke him further and further, until he was exposed, but unloved. The way Phil was looking at him; there was just something behind it, a feeling Dan had never felt.

They spent around three hours in the Starbucks, before making their way to the Manchester eye.

"It's better at this time!" Phil had insisted as they stepped into their carriage.

"I'll take your word for it," Dan said, going to lean against the barrier on the far side.

"Aren't you scared of heights?" Phil asked, watching Dan as he looked out the window as the wheel began to move.

"I feel rather safe, here," Dan shrugged, beckoning Phil over to look out of the window with him.

The boy's stood in silence for a while as the wheel made its way to the top. Dan could feel all of his blood rushing around his head, making him feel dizzy. All he could feel and hear was Phil. Feel the heat coming from his arm, that was pressed against his own, and hear the sound of his breathing. It was intoxicating. After a while, the wheel had finally reached the top, and had stopped for a minute. Dan felt Phil moving beside him, and could almost hear the moment his heart began to beat faster. Dan saw out of the corner of his eye as Phil's pinky finger moved to stroke over the back of his hand. Dan looked up at Phil, who just smiled and moved to take his whole hand in his own. Dan let him join their hands fully, his heart felt like it was in his throat. Were his feelings reciprocated? Phil was so hard to read.

"Dan? I just want to say...Thank you for trusting me, and coming all the way here," Phil mumbled, his icy stare holding Dan's as it did at the train station. This time, there was something else lingering in there. His eyes looked kind of green, in this light. Comforting and...happy.

"Thank you for letting me come," Dan returned, squeezing Phil's hand.

"I hope this isn't too forward but-" Phil stopped to bite at his lip, then look down at the floor and back up. Before they knew it, Phil was leaning forward towards Dan. And Dan just froze. He felt Phil's lips touch his, felt his hands circle his waist. But he just didn't do anything. Phil pulled away, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Phil-" Dan stuttered, dropping Phil's hand. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. Let's just pretend that didn't happen," Phil panicked, stepping to the side and putting a bit of distance between their bodies.

Dan just nodded, turning back to look out the window. Inside, he was panicking, angry at himself. Now was not the time to freak out, but Dan was having an internal battle. Should he tell him to do it again? Should he let him think it was a mistake so that Dan wouldn’t have a chance to ruin it? He decided that silence was the easiest option...

The walk back to Phil's house was uncomfortable and few words were exchanged between them. Dan could cry, he could scream at Phil for being so blind. For not knowing that he was just nervous. How could that ever be fair, though? After Dan had just outright rejected the guy. When they reached Phil's family home, Phil opened the door and welcomed Dan in.

"This is where I live! Make yourself at home. There's food in the fridge, bathroom down this hall and also one upstairs and then the guest room is at the bottom of the landing," Phil explained, taking Dan's coat and hanging it up.

"It really is terrifying in here," Dan said, stepping further into the house.

"The literal shining, I know," Phil agreed, giggling.

And they slipped back into their usual selves pretty quickly, all thoughts of their kiss gone. Well, maybe not. Dan didn't think he could ever forgive himself for letting that get away from him (especially when he had to curl up in the guest room, alone). He tossed and turned, throwing the covers off and pulling them back up. Dan felt uneasy in the house because it made so many noises, and the wind blew a bit too hard through it. It was fine though.

It was not fine. After a night of no sleep, Dan greeted Phil in the morning with dark circles under his eyes and a grumpy mood. Phil just laughed it off, giving him caffeine and playing video games with him. Dan felt a bit better, but he still couldn't forgive himself.

2012

|| There were lots of times I really thought we should talk  
Starting on the stage, I thought of what I've been taught  
Say a little bit but save it for the later bits  
You don't know what he's thinkin' 'bout  
There were lots of moments where I wanted to scream  
Things were looking how I hoped they wouldn't seem  
Look away, I had to look away  
I knew I cared far too much ||

"Phil, tell your fucking fans to control themselves!" Dan yelled, shutting his laptop with a bang. He had had it up to his limit with the fans pushing an idea of a relationship on him and Phil. They were loud, and thought they knew absolutely everything about their lives. They thought that they'd cracked the code; it couldn’t be further from the truth. Dan still hated himself. Hated what he had done to Phil that day. Sure, they were still best friends, and Dan was still hopelessly in love, but Phil never made any more moves towards their relationship, and that killed Dan every single day.

"Oh, shut up, Dan," Phil huffed. "They're not just my fans. Your's are the obnoxious ones, anyway."

"Right, whatever. Fuck off," Dan said. Phil stood up and left the living room, locking himself in his room. Dan groaned, throwing his head back against the pillows. Maybe he held a bit of a grudge, or maybe he was just jealous of the scenarios their fans came up with.

Dan had been a shit person all year. He became withdrawn from his fans and Phil. He made inappropriate jokes and he always ended up shouting during live shows, or making passive-aggressive comments on twitter.

"You could try a bit harder, Dan," Phil would say, touching his arm and dropping it again straight away.

It was almost unbearable for Dan these days; the constant hounding and speculation. He worried about what his family would think. Why would he tell them he's gay if he wasn't sure he was ever going to settle down? Dan was sure he could hear quiet sniffles from Phil's room, but he just pretended to not hear them; pretended his heart wasn't breaking inside his chest and the shards weren't lodging themselves in his throat. 

It was in a live show one day, towards the end of the year, when everything finally got the better of him. It was going fine, kind of. He had managed to block out 'phan' related comments and answer some of the other questions.

The first quip happened when Phil decided to watch. The chat filled with people pointing out Phil's little avatar. As quick as it came, it left. Phil probably realised he wasn't logged out.

The chat was filled with people asking for Phil, making Dan more and more irritable. His hair was stuck up from how many times he had run his fingers through it and his cheeks were flushed red with anger.

"Phil's not coming, okay!" Dan said through gritted teeth. "Go and watch his live show if you want to see him so bad. We're separate people."

The chat still had the occasional person asking for Phil, but most people had realised Dan's sour mood and didn't push it any further. It had hurt Dan to distance himself from Phil. Not just because he loved him, and felt safe around him, but because he was his best friend before anything. Dan couldn't afford to lose his best friend. 

The live show went on with not much more drama, apart from Dan telling everyone that 'phan' was not real, thank you very much. 

From the other room, Phil had gone back on to Dan's live show (not logged in this time.) His heart had broken as Dan had told his fans that nothing would ever happen and how they were two separate people. And yes they were, but to the fans, they were 'Dan and Phil'. Phil thought Dan had been happy being connected to him, but he guessed wrong. Phil exited out of it after a particularly in-depth rant about 'phan' not being real.

Once the live show ended, Dan shut his laptop and put it in his draw. He felt awful for bad-mouthing Phil like that, acting like he was completely shutting him out of his life. Dan turned to the piano that was at his desk and began to play. He never really cared about the attention when he was younger, since he got barely any, but now that it was invading his personal life, it was a different story. His lip was rolled up as he concentrated, putting all of his feelings into the keyboard. If he turned around, he would’ve seen Phil leaning against his door frame and watching. He did this most of the time when Dan played. It soothed him because Dan's face wasn't angry. It was relaxed, concentrated, and happy. It filled him with the hope that, perhaps, one-day things would be as they once were.

Dan could feel eyes on him. He knew Phil watched him play, he just never really wanted to acknowledge it. He was scared that, once Phil knew he knew, he would stop watching. Dan liked Phil to watch him play, see that he wasn't angry at Phil like he was at the world. Phil was his safe space; not that he'd ever admitted it. Since words always failed him, this was his best shot at saying how he was feeling. God, it hurt to not be able or allowed to just take Phil in his arms and say sorry, show him affection, and make him see everything that Dan had seen for 3 years. 

Dan knew they should talk; everyone knew it. Sometimes, on the phone to his mum, she would tell him to talk to him. Not that she knew the true extent of Dan's feelings (she was convinced it was just a friendly fall out.)

"Everyone has disagreements, Dan. That's how life is," is what she would say to him when he called her, the agony ripping through him like a pain he could never comprehend or begin to understand. 

"It's not like that, mum," he would insist, begging her to feel what he felt. He just needed one person to feel it. Someone that wasn't Phil; he already felt enough of Dan's pain.

He tried to talk to Phil but it just never worked the way he wanted it to. It usually ended in Dan screaming, crying angrily at what his life had become when it had all seemed so perfect not even 6 months ago. It usually left Phil speechless, cowering in the corner of the couch, never quite sure what to say. When he talked, he tried to think about what his family had taught him as he'd grown up, what the bullying from his peers had turned him into. How badly he didn't want to be like them. It just never happened though.

Lucky for Dan, Phil was an incredible person. He never left, he didn't shout back. He would just give Dan time and space, maybe a bit more space than Dan wanted, but it was never with ill-intent. Each day, their talks would get better. More smiles shared, less bitterness in Dan's words. It truly felt like something. Dan would say a little bit more every day and the picture would become clearer for Phil. He could begin to understand Dan's worries more. Sometimes though, it would go a bit far, and they'd be back at square one. Working through things that they had never talked about in 2009 through to 2012. Pent up anger at the expense of not wanting to lose their relationship. It was tragic. 

Dan moped about the apartment, and Phil screamed into his pillow at night time. Trips to his parents became more frequent as Dan tried to sort out the fans. In hindsight, it was wrong for Phil to leave Dan alone with the burden. But he was never the one to care about their accusations. He didn't like to hide, anyway. He had chosen a job that involved fans and, naturally, rumours. They were just interested, maybe more so than other fans, but he understood. 

Now, it was Dan's turn to understand.

It took a long time. Months and months of separation and trying to create a new image. 'Dan' and 'Phil. It was sudden when the change happened. Phil had been sat alone on the couch, preparing for the wrath of Dan's anger after an inappropriate joke had been spread around Twitter about them. It just never came, though. It was never mentioned. Dan had even liked the tweet. He had come into the living room and sat beside Phil, sides touching. Phil just gawked at him as he leaned his head on his shoulder to look at the Tumblr page he was currently scrolling through.

"You look like you've just seen a pig fly," Dan joked when he caught Phil's eye.

"Yeah...Are you feeling okay, Dan?" Phil asked him, noticing Dan gulp and nod.

"I'm fine, Phil," he said softly, his dimples popped up beside his small smile. 

From there, it got easier. Less distance and no more shouting about it being stupid, or wrong. Phil had never been so happy to be patient.

Sometime in between

|| And I can't help but think of it lately  
When you say my name I start to feel crazy  
I can't help but wonder how we got here  
Look at you, fog starts to clear  
Whoa, I wanna hear you say my name  
Whoa, I wanna hear you say my name ||

Those years had passed when Dan had been scared, always lonely. Now he was confident, special in everyone's lives. He was a little ray of hope, hope that sometimes things got better. Hope that, when you thought you'd lost everything, you could come back stronger. Building on those things, and building on them again. Dan laughed every day. Not fake or forced. Real genuine laughs that would've made Phil jump if he wasn't so used to it. He went to conventions every year and met fans, he went on tour with Phil and worked on projects and merch all of the time. He was happy, well and truly. Genuine glee lit his face up every single day. This is what made Phil fall for him, once again.

After he had been rejected in 2009, Phil tried to forget. He tried to forget the feeling of soft lips against his, at the top of the eye, when they were both young and inexperienced. When it was new and scary; maybe a bit rushed. Phil had known that Dan was what he wanted for the rest of his life though, by then. He would never find anyone that would make him feel as light and giddy. So when 2012 happened, Phil set himself up for failure. The boy he'd once known had changed. He still loved him; if not more. It wasn't because of his soft words though, or the way he looked at Phil like he was his whole world, it was just the potential of what could be, if Dan had just accepted himself.

So now, years after that, Phil was right. Dan was accepting himself. His mind was so intricate, the thoughts he spewed to Phil late at night, when his brain should've been mush from the sleep taking over. It was beautiful, to hear what went on inside there. It felt like a gift he never asked for. Dan wasn't a young boy anymore, he was grown. He was taller than Phil. He was well-spoken, articulate, and lovely. He was everything Phil had ever wanted for him. 

It was the 2 am chats, that got to him the most. 

At 2 am, Dan didn't care about what he looked like. He would let his hair curl, occasionally blowing it away from his eyes. The curls made Phil want to run his hands through his hair, feel each one uncoil through his fingers, and then watch it bounce back into place. He would look incredible in the dim light, his skin smooth and lightly tanned. It would accentuate his sharpest features. His nose and cheekbones and a light dusting of pink over the apple of his cheek. It was the sharp angle of his chin, that made Phil want to put his finger underneath it and tip his head up to look into his eyes. Coffee in the morning, honey in the sunlight, and chocolate at night time. Flecks of gold within the brown. Truly beautiful, emotional, and wide-open, eager to see what life was going to throw next (because God knows he could face it.) When they made eye contact, it would only serve to deepen the blush and make Dan smile. Plump, pink lips stretching out to reveal a white smile. Straight teeth, apart from the tiny little chip on his front tooth that he had gotten from biting into an apple. It made Phil giggle to think about what it would've been like to be there when Dan realised what he'd done. The little chip gave Dan's smile character, it made it unique and wonderous. And right next to Dan's smile, on either side, deep dimples that would cave into his cheeks. Phil wanted to reach out and poke his finger in them. little freckles dotted his nose, two prominent ones next to one of his dimples, that made it look like a sad face. Ironic considering they mainly popped up when he was genuinely happy. He was perfect in Phil's eyes. Beautiful, poised. Enthusiastic and loud, but quiet when he wanted to tell Phil something. Perhaps something that he'd read on Tumblr, or a story his grandmother had told him about when he was little. It was just always enough for Phil. Maybe it was the sleepiness talking, and the remains of his late-night coffee, but Phil always fell so in love with Daniel Howell at 2 am.

"Dan-" Phil said as they sat together during one of these times, his eyes studied the boy carefully. Dan flicked his eyes up to Phil's eyes from where they'd been trained on his cup. He nodded.

"Hm?" He hummed.

"I can't forget what happened between us, ever," Phil mumbled. He tapped something unfamiliar against the armchair with the tips of his fingers.

"I was stupid in 2012, I'm so-"

"I'm not talking about 2012, Dan. I'm talking about..." Phil bit his lip, looking away from Dan's eyes. Dan felt soft as he saw the hesitance in Phil's eyes, the wonder of whether he'd said something wrong. He was always so careful around him, what he said these days. Dan used two fingers to turns Phil's face back towards him.

"You're talking about 2009," Dan said tenderly. "I don't want you to forget it, Phil."

"It tortures me every day, Dan," Phil admitted. He wasn't sure why he hadn't run yet. "I want to forget it because it was humiliating, it still is to this day. Look at you, Dan. Everything you are."

Dan didn't say anything for a moment, just looked at him as he tried to work it out.

Finally he spoke, "And look at you."

"I've never wanted anything, as much as I've wanted to love you. Not stupidly pining over something I can't have." Phil shook his head, tears springing to his eyes.

"Who said you can't have?" Dan whispered, everything finally clicking together in his head. Phil still wanted him, too. It hadn't been forgotten what had happened. It wasn't something from just in the moment, it was a burden Phil had, too, carried around with him since the day they met.

Phil looked at him, his eyes were wide, "I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything," Dan shrugged. And when his lips curved up into that soft smile that he only ever did when he looked at Phil, Phil leaned forward to kiss him. He took his face in his hands and he took what he'd craved since that day. Every piece he ever felt like he'd been missing joined back together. And when he felt Dan move this time, it was like he had never been so complete, as cheesy as it sounds. They kissed on their couch, in their apartment. A place they'd had their worst moments, and now, their best. 

2020

|| I never wanted to flip it over  
If you were stuck looking over your shoulder  
But all I wanted was to flip it over  
I couldn't stop looking over my shoulder  
So we decided to flip it over  
And now my head sleeps on your shoulder ||

Dan and Phil had stayed up that night, all night. Neither wanted to sleep and let the moment go. They made up for over 8 years of stupidity and carelessness. A year of fights in 2012, the year Dan had tried to protect something he wanted for himself. The year Phil cried down the phone to his mum about not being enough. It came full circle. 

They kissed and made love and marked each other up. Ribs, hips, and thighs were filled with sucked in bruises. Love, being the forefront of them all. It was truly beautiful. Phil whispered to Dan through it all. He let himself tangle his hands in that hair like he had wanted to every morning at 2 am, and Dan cried with all of the emotions and intimacy. He cried about being so stupid and immature, he cried about that first day together where he just let Phil believe he didn't want him. Dan apologised for crying, but when Phil finished, he cried, too. But they were both so happy.

So, now in 2020, they were looking forward to new bigger things. Dan had started to leave his hair curly because Phil loved it so much (and was more inclined to give Dan random head massages throughout the day), and Phil began to wear his glasses more often as Dan loved to push them up the bridge of his nose when they fell down and then give him an endeared kiss, with a giggle at the end. 

They discovered that they both loved the intimacy, the feeling of vulnerability, and putting all of your trust into your partner, believing that they'll look after you. Which they did. They had baths together sometimes just for the feeling of closeness, skin on skin contact. Warm skin and soft bodies, and large piles of bubbles that they would use to make beards like children. They would tangle together at night time, sleepy kisses, and talks about their future. 

2 am chats became something new. Phil still loved to look at Dan, everything he'd loved before they'd gotten together, but now he could lean forward and kiss those lips, he could poke his finger in those dimples, and he could push his hand through his hair. The chats happened less frequently in the living room and now happened in their bedroom. Cosy and warm and so them. It didn't matter if they were surrounded by black and white or green and blue. It didn't matter if they had a movie running in the background, or just silence. It just didn't matter. Because when they were together, there was nowhere else they would rather be. And when they came out, the other held them tight and helped them click that upload button. And if Phil cried all the way through Dan's, it didn't matter. He loved him, and he was so proud. Heartbroken, sure, but happy that he had been able to help him find himself and rebuild his life. And when Dan said that he saw him as something "more than romantic," a chord in Phil's heart was struck, and it felt like the first day they'd met again.

They're happy, and in love. When Dan is working on projects away from youtube, Phil is helping him. When Dan is playing the piano, Phil is sat right beside him. They have a certain dynamic that no one will ever be able to understand. A 1 in a million chance of true love was theirs. And it was truly the most special thing they had ever known.


End file.
